'Artemis Fowl' Review

 
PG:  fantasy action/peril and some rude humor.Runtime: 1 Hrs and 34 MinutesProduction Companies: Walt Disney Pictures, TriBeCa Productions, Marzano FilmsDistributor: Disney+Director: Kenneth BranaghWriters: Conor McPherson, Hamish McCollCast: Ferdia Shaw, Lara McDonnell, Josh Gad, Tamara Smart, Nonso Anozie, Colin Farrell, Judi DenchRelease Date: June 12, 2020 
Based on the first two books in author Eoin Colfer wildly popular children's fantasy series, Walt Disney Studios' Artemis Fowl tells the story of adolescent criminal genius Artemis, who captures a vicious fairy, and attempts to harness her magical powers in a bid to rescue his family.
First off, I think that it was a really smart decision to move this movie – which was originally supposed to come out back in August 2019 and then got pushed back to have a theatrical release in May before “the Rona” – to Disney+ because this shit would’ve sucked in theaters. Oh, you thought I would express any positivity about this movie? Oh, no. I simply can’t do it. I could compliment this for being 90 minutes long, but even then, that's a detriment to the movie.Man, these Disney live-action book adaptations just keep getting worse by the year. I’m still reeling from the garbage that was A Wrinkle in Time, and now you guys got this foul adaptation of a beloved property that will piss the fans off? I don’t even remember reading the book as a kid, but I know for a fact that this shit here is not Artemis Fowl.
Fans of the Artemis Fowl book have been complaining through the trailers and previews how much this doesn’t resemble the character who’s supposed to be a badass, asshole kid through and through. Artemis Fowl was the book you’d give to kids when you’d introduce them to the anti-hero archetype and many people complained how much he doesn’t resemble that in the trailers. Well, I’m sorry to say to those fans...
One of the biggest flaws of Artemis Fowl is that it poorly resembles the titular character. Even when they try to really capture his essence, they still revert him to being just a generic lead with a kid’s personality. It’s like trying to adapt a boy genius character like Dexter from Dexter’s Lab and you end up with Jimmy Neutron. Artemis doesn’t fully act like the character from his source material. (His character reminds me so much of Juni from Spy Kids more than he does Artemis Fowl.) He’s supposed to be this genius asshole that you’re supposed to dislike, but at the same time think he’s cool, and the writers fail to even remotely pick a lane with him. And poor Ferdia Shaw is trying his damndest too. He acts so much like a kid more than a genius mastermind who happens to be a kid. There are brief moments when Artemis gets to be cool, but it feels as if a warden came in and said, “No! Not Kid™ enough for the Disney brand.” It doesn’t help that the movie is so rushed, that instead of showing off how cool he is, characters are always giving exposition to explain how cool Artemis is supposed to be. The only thing they remotely do to show how “cool” he is is have brief scenes of Artemis surfing and skating which would be impressive given if it was the late ‘90s and early 2000s. 
Speaking of which, so much of this damn thing consists of exposition that you never sense any fully fleshed out gravity of the worlds you’re supposed to be traveling to. You have Josh Gad attempting to do this low octave gravelly voice for narration and exposition which doesn’t work, but then within the story, you have characters telling Artemis why he’s special and giving more exposition. Exposition inside of an exposition. That’s like 16 expositions! Because of the ample expositional scenes this entire movie has, so much of the first act is dedicated to it. It’s hard to track the coherency of the plot along with not being able to get attached to any of the characters. Was this movie in some sort of screenplay hell? Was the original cut longer? Like... some of the scenes from the trailer aren’t even in the final cut. The entire movie lacks any sort of narrative structure. A majority of it takes place in Artemis’s mansion so it even lacks any sort of excitement regarding set pieces. (All of the set pieces are just Fowl Manor.) The direction is on the mediocre side and the action sequences lack that fun pop it desperately deserves which is a shame when that director is Kenneth Branagh. It’s completely effortless in establishing its characters, especially the titular one who we’re supposed to root for. Everything that occurs feels so hollow. The scenes you have in the fantasy world are brief and feel like pale imitations of locations from Harry Potter. It was so difficult tracking any coherency of the story as it would constantly go from one location to the next and back to Fowl Manor and continue down that cycle. Every element of this story feels so rushed and hollow. There wasn’t even one character who was either memorable or dimensional. Even by the time it finally ended, I was confused because nothing really occurred.Speaking of director Kenneth Branagh, it’s baffling how much this doesn’t reflect his style. He’s known to work well with big budgets and a large ensemble, but like most Disney features lately, this felt more like an assignment than a project he passionately wanted to tackle. The directional style in Artemis Fowl reminds me so much of the direction of an early ‘00s Robert Rodriguez movie, even down to incorporating a little bit of nightmare fuel in there too. A ton of the editing is choppy especially during the action sequences and the visual effects at ample times look incomplete. When he incorporates tracking shots that are CG heavy, it’s impressive, but it doesn’t hold any weight.
Artemis Fowl had a good two years of being delayed to get its shit together and still resulted in a total, complete mess. It’s more concerned about being a fast-paced sci-fi action flick to garner sequels than being a proper adaptation of the book series. It’s like what the YouTuber, Ralphthemoviemaker, said on his Aladdin review: “This is what happens when a studio isn’t offensive, doesn’t challenge anyone, and essentially makes movies about nothing just to keep people drooling and entertained for an hour and a half.” It frustratingly falls in the trappings of lesser YA novel adaptations and fails to resemble any sprit of its beloved property, making it just another hollow Disney book adaptation that will live in the infamy of Disney+.But, hey, good job on the business move bringing it to Disney+. It was a good decision and where it belongs. Now get New Mutants on there!Rating: 1.5/5 | 31%