Playmobil: The Movie Review

 
PG: Action/peril and some languageRuntime: 1 Hr and 39 MinutesProduction Companies: Method Animation, ON Animation Studios, DMG EntertainmentDistributor: Stx FilmsDirectors: Lino DiSalvoWriters: Brad Copeland, Lloyd TaylorVoice Cast: Anya Taylor-Joy, Jim Gaffigan, Gabriel Bateman, Adam Lambert, Kenan Thompson, Meghan Trainor, Daniel RadcliffeRelease Date: December 6, 2019Remember when you were a kid and asked your parents for your first building toy set when you went to Toys “R” Us? You were either a LEGO kid or a Playmobil kid. If you grew up playing Playmobil, congratulations, you’re basic. If you grew up playing with LEGOs you’re a real one. Personally, I was never interested in Playmobil. The human-like designs of the toys (aside from the plastic claw hands and large black dots for eyes) just drove me off. I don’t think I know anybody who even favored Playmobil over LEGO. Ha, not even Hollywood because if that was the case, Playmobil: The Movie would’ve had at least a bit of value!
I must admit, for something that is as soulless and uninspired as this storyline, the animation is quality. Made by ON Animation, the same studio behind the underrated 2016 film The Little Prince, the animation that’s presented on the big screen is actually decent. You can even see the detailing of the plastic on the toys in closeup shots. The fabric of the clothing on the characters are made of cloth. Then, the movements of the toys are very reflective of Playmobil toys where they’re not flexible. Their bodies are unable to bend and they jump with a bit of stiffness. They animators truly cared about capturing the nature of the toys. It's not a half-assed production by any means, but goddamn the story… Jesus. 
Hey, do you know why The LEGO Movie was a genuine surprise? Why it was a smash hit that blew everyone's low expectations? It’s not just because of the popularity of the brand or the IP’s Warner Bros. got a hold of… Okay, it was partially because of that, but you also had two writers who knew how to turn water into wine. Phil Lord and Chris Miller are two exceptional writers and filmmakers who were able to take such a simple property and expand it with such creativity and intellectual humor to deliver an incredibly meaningful feature. Now, strip all of those elements away: the humor, the story, the IP’s, the heart and soul… and you end up with this. Playmobil: The Movie is everything we feared the first LEGO Movie was going to be. 
The lead characters are half-baked and deliver a wrong message, especially with its morbid set-up. The film opens with 18-year-old Marla and her 6-year-old brother Charlie learning that both their parents have died in an accident. Literally four years later, Marla sacrifices her dreams of traveling the world to be her brother’s caregiver. She has to be responsible for him. It doesn’t help that within those four years the brother has grown to be a brat who resents her and rebels against everything she says. He sneaks off to a Playmobil toy expo against her wishes and literally says to her: “Since mom and dad died, you died too.” By that point you want to grab the belt, chancla, or any accessory you use for physical spanking and just end him until he understand who is boss and gave up their life to take care of them, but that’s probably more morbid than the set-up itself. Once they’re magically transported to the Playmobil world, Charlie continues to be a little prick… and so is everyone else. Like, in the middle of a musical number a dude calls Marla a wretch. Then, the film demonizes her by revolving her arc around her having to learn how to be a kid again when she's done nothing wrong. She isn't required to change because she was being a responsible adult. If anything, it has to be Charlie who does, but his story doesn't even give him any challenges or a chance to grow. You don't even get any sense of natural development from him at all. Every other line is, “Oh wow. Whoa, this is awesome. This is so cool!” Ten-year-olds aren't as generic as this kid, guys. Wait, lemme backtrack to when I said “musical number”. You heard that correctly. This is a musical… a really bad one. All of the songs are joyless, uninspired, and even those scenes lack any theatrical gravitas. The only good thing regarding the music is that Anya Taylor-Joy can sing, which I didn't know. It also makes sense why the voice cast is comprised of singers such as Meghan Trainor and Adam Lambert. 
While CGI itself is good, the designs are so bland. The bodies look like Playmobil, but the eyes are turned to reflect human-like eyes. I get wanting to give them actual pupils to convey expression, but all four of the fucking LEGO movies skated by while keeping all of their defining features intact. It's one thing to be the shadow of a more popular and significant toy property, but to replicate some of the same set pieces, such as a Western town or a congested highway from the movie adaptation without the wit or smarts is just pathetic. And when it's not ripping off LEGO, it's ripping off Gladiator and Star Wars, even down to having a gender-bent Jabba the Hutt.  The only reason for this to exist is so someone could scrap what's left of the LEGO movie money. Joke’s on them: LEGO movies don't make bank like they used to. So, hell yeah this is going to bomb. Even the US release marketing for this was misleading. The US trailer made it seem as if it's centered on the spy character Rex Dasher (voiced by Daniel Radcliffe) when it clearly isn't. That's the only way to make this palpable to kids. Anything with spies seems to impress them, right? Oh wait, Spies in Disguise is coming out in a few weeks and that's gonna obliterate this. There's no real sense of genuine entertainment, energy, or soul to this movie. Just like playing with Playmobils, the movie is so damn boring. This just throws random pieces at a wall to see what sticks, but doesn't have any originality or creativity of its own to warrant a theatrical release. It bears no IP to make some fun, self-aware jokes or anything. It's just a waste of good animation and a soulless, pale imitation of the successful LEGO franchise.Rating: 1.5/5 | 31%