'Valley Girl' Review

 
PG-13: Teen partying, language, some suggestive material, and brief nudityRuntime: 1 Hr and 42 MinutesProduction Companies: Orion Classics, Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, Sneak Preview ProductionsDistributor: United Artists ReleasingDirector: Rachel Lee GoldenbergWriter: Amy TalkingtonCast: Jessica Rothe, Josh Whitehouse, Mae Whitman, Judy Greer, Logan Paul, Jessie Ennis, Chloe Bennet, Andrew Kai, Camila Morrone, Judy Greer, Rob Huebel, Alicia Silverstone Release Date: May 8, 2020 (VOD)
Set to a new wave '80s soundtrack, a pair of young lovers from different backgrounds defy their parents and friends to stay together. 
For what it’s worth, I really dug the narrative setup. The film begins with Alicia Silverstone as an older Julie picking up her daughter (Camilla Morrone) from a club and bringing her home, during which she reveals to her mom that she and her longtime boyfriend broke up. To comfort her and give her a life lesson about first loves, Julie tells her daughter the story of her first love and that’s where the movie truly begins. It’s a great framing device and it accomplishes that well.I really admired the production design/art direction. From the opening sequence where Julie and her friends are singing “We Got the Beat” in a poppy ‘80s mall, it feels as if you’re transported to a much more vibrant timeframe. From an aesthetics standpoint, it’s pretty to look at and the film is full of candy-colored pop. 
Personally, I love jukebox musicals. They’re one of my guilty pleasures. Heck, I’m currently developing a jukebox musical feature as we speak. When done right, you get something great, like Mamma Mia: Here We Go Again. When done terribly wrong, you get something like Rock of Ages, where a movie tries so hard to capitalize on your nostalgia by having famous actors sing songs from a specific genre to tell a narrative so contrived it felt like an afterthought. Yeah, I know that was an adaptation of a Broadway play, but that doesn’t always translate well. Doing a remake of Valley Girl, but spinning the story to turn it into a jukebox musical is admittedly ambitious, but by God did that not translate well. Hey, at least Rock of Ages now has a drinking buddy! Valley Girl is a movie that prides itself on using a variety of popular songs that are now probably on the Lite FM Top 40 playlist and applying them to retell what was once a generic story, only to strip it down to something so simple that it leaves you feeling unsatisfied. It reminded me of what didn't work for Rock of Ages, which was shouting, “HEY! REMEMBER THESE ‘80s SONGS? YEAH! AREN’T THESE SONGS GREAT?!” for over two hours. Thankfully, this movie is not as long, but it still gets in your face with these mixed-results covers of popular songs that range from decent to being so bad it makes you want to skip to the next cover. It’s like a bad karaoke night where the best singer is Mae Whitman and she’s not even a lead. The song choices stay so confined to the most generalized knowledge of ‘80s music that even when they’re utilized for the beats of the story, it’s completely safe. Everyone loves these songs, but using them doesn’t make you special. Plus, covers feel less special when some of the cast members’ voices are pitchy.
The vocal performances are varied, but Jessica Rothe and Josh Whitehouse are good in their roles. Unfortunately, I was too distracted by the fact that the majority of the cast members are too goddamn old to play high schoolers. There is no way in hell that the youngest major cast member in this is LOGAN FRIGGIN’ PAUL.I should cut this movie some slack because it was originally set to release in 2018, but because a certain someone made a certain video in Japan and fucked up the entirety of YouTube for everyone, the movie got shelved for nearly two years. Even then… STOP CASTING LATE-20s/EARLY-30-SOMETHINGS AS HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS! It’s too damn much to ask me to suspend my disbelief after seeing Rothe play a college student in a franchise of her own. I can’t fricking do it! I’ve only seen Rothe portray adults, so let her do that! The same goes for Chloe Bennett, Jessie Ennis, and, to an extent, Ashleigh Murray (hey, she just got her own spin-off where she can finally play an adult). I’ve seen all these actors portray adults with adult professions or in adult educational settings, so the fact that they’re all performing as high schoolers is so jarring. Judy Greer plays Jessica Rothe’s mom when in reality she’s 12 years older than her! Seriously, there’s no excuse to find and cast people who look like teenagers to portray teenagers. Enough with this Amazing Spider-Man casting bullshit. Outside of a visual standpoint, nothing about the Valley Girl remake works. The story is run-of-the-mill, the song choices are basic, and as much you want to credit the cast for actually committing and delivering energetic performances, it’s still devoid of any engagement. If you’re searching for something so completely light and mindless to fill your general needs, go right ahead. Valley Girl is a completely hollow and uninspired remake that is more amiable in concept than in execution. Rating: 2/5 | 43%